Buddy Martin Blog. Dear Santa: Don’t Slight Dan Mullen! Give Him Extra Candy For A “Sweet Job."

The NCAA's punishment for recruiting was harsh, and both Dan Mullen and Scott Stricklin agreed the UF has to do better on matters of compliance. But Santa shouldn't punish the Gator Coach. And it doesn't diminish his excellent season. Photo Credit: Alex Shepherd

Santa was all set to start wrapping up Dan Mullen’s gifts and flying them away to Gainesville when a last-minute encrypted message dropped down the chimney. We learned from an elf whistle-blower that a change was being made to Coach Mullen’s list due to a late report on behavior.

“Sorry, but because Dan was a bit of naughty boy earlier this year, we are adding one gift and taking away one,” the whistle blower wrote. “He gets a bucket of sand with switches in it. And we are taking away the case of Terry Bradshaw Bourbon.”

Others close to Mullen were stunned. “He is a paragon of integrity, a man of principle and he conducts his program in a very ethical manner,” said Tim Tebow, considered one of the most honest people in sports.

To which Nick Saban responded: “What’s a paragon?”

Clearly, said Mark Emmert, head of the NCAA, “there‘s some kind of skullduggery going on here. So there must be a penalty.”

Which caused Judge Judy to respond: “I love the truth. If you don’t tell me the truth, you’re gonna be eating your shoes.” (She actually once said that.)

This Heinous Crime called for an Elf Kangaroo Court, with the wisest Old Elf Presiding. He invoked the “Naughty-but-Nice” Santa Claus Clause, saying that while Dan had been a “naughty boy” for breaking the rules by hosting those high school recruits on campus, that his wife Megan’s report card was sooo good that her pristine conduct helped offset the deficit. And besides, he did a very, very nice job coaching the Gators in football.

So we thought we’d intervene and finish off Dan’s list to Santa and help out with his Christmas gifts, plus a few other items he might like:

10. A Dale Carnegie course for dealing with officials.

9. A new Rolex with a stopwatch for keeping time in the final two minutes of a game and has a warning signal in case you actually bump into a recruit illegally.

8. Enrollment in a class at LSU Law School called “How to Cheat and Not Get Caught – Even If You’re Not A Cheater,” taught by the law school’s firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.

7. Copy of the book “Dynamic Alignment Through Imagery” by Eric Franklin. (To be re-gifted to Todd Grantham).

6. An Autographed Copy of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born To Run.”

5. Some new Halloween costumes to replace that Darth Vader outfit with something more friendly, depending on the post-game mood. (One of them should be a Mr. Rogers Cardigan sweater, and possibly Forrest Gump if the game was vs. Auburn or Alabama.)

4. Contract for a two-book sequel: 1. “How I Transformed The Transfer Portal Into A Horn-A-Plenty.” 2. “How I Went From Playing Tight End At Ursinus To The $6 Million Man at Florida.”

3. A nice big, fat check in his stocking from Dak Prescott, Alex Smith, Tim Tebow – and maybe Kyle Trask.

2. Emily Post’s etiquette book on the appropriate time for decorating your Christmas tree and stringing up lights.

1. A tee-shirt with the word “Cause” on the front so he can show it to the NCAA.