THE DOORMAN SAYS: Could Willie Taggart’s FAU Team Put A Scare Into the Florida Gators?

"Somehow, I think the computer algorithms don’t factor in the timely personal fouls and illegal shifts that are a big part of Taggart’s Atlantic Intracoastal Waterway Offense."

BY CARLTON REESE

(Not The Doorman)

I guess I’m supposed to apologize to the readers of Gator Bait. My call into Carlton The Doorman (no relation) to see about his Guy’s ratings and picks ended up with me having to listen to a bragfest regarding Illinois’ win over Nebraska. Illinois was getting 6.5 points and was trending as his Guy’s lock, even to win outright.

Well, who even cares about a Nebraska-Illinois game? So, I never thought to publish.

Let the floggings begin.

Well, on to Florida and the season-opener: If this game were in October and the Georgia Bulldogs were waiting the following week, no doubt Lee Corso would be barking out “not so fast, my friend” as this would be considered a trap game. Don’t be surprised if we have that ice pick jammed into our ear canals, anyway.

Florida Atlantic, the house that Lane Kiffin built and soon to be burned to the ground by Willie Taggart, returns 21 starters including an awful starting quarterback who will watch ex-Miami Hurricane N’Kosi Perry lead the Owls’ offense. As of last Friday, Taggart, the king of strict discipline as we all well know, was still trying to decide who his starting quarterback would be. My guess is Perry probably won a dance-off at the end of practice to get the nod.

Perry will be at the controls of Taggart’s juggernaut scheme that he once referred to as the “Gulf Coast Offense.” Might I suggest a new name: “The Atlantic Intracoastal Waterway Offense.”

Returning 21 starters is no joke and I suppose The Doorman has a point when his Guy tells him the computer numbers say the Gators are in for a battle, likely to win by less than a touchdown. Somehow, I think the computer algorithms don’t factor in the timely personal fouls and illegal shifts that are a big part of Taggart’s Atlantic Intracoastal Waterway Offense. In other words, I’m not buying this as an FAU betting lock.

Our Guy says 24.5 points are way too much to give FAU and he may be right, but a game coming down to the end? The Taggart factor seems too great to overcome.

By the way, I’m told Taggart is not the FAU head coach – his title is really the Hagerty Family Head Football Coach. That’s right, a vodka heir bought the naming rights to the FAU head football coach position. Not a joke. This is serious. FAU touts it on its web site.

The only thing outweighing the gratuitous glory signaling of Michael Hagerty here may be FAU’s shameless and successful venture into prostitution. That’s what $2.5 million reveals to the rest of the world.

The Doorman’s Pick: FAU plus 24.5 over Florida

As for the rest of the schedule, The Doorman informs me that an unusually large number of games hit his Guy’s threshold for picks, which generally come down to which underdogs are getting too many points to ignore. Personally, I love early season blowouts to cover spreads.

As far as home underdogs, The Doorman says:

· Charlotte plus 6.5 over Duke

· Tulane plus 26.5 over Oklahoma

· Texas State plus 13.5 over Baylor

· UCLA plus 3.5 over LSU

The Doorman likes the following road underdogs:

· East Carolina plus 10.5 over Appalachian State

· Western Michigan plus 17 over Michigan

· Central Michigan plus 13 over Missouri

· Louisiana Lafayette plus 16.5 over Texas

· FAU plus 24.5 over Florida

· Nevada plus 3 over California

On a neutral site, The Doorman likes the following underdog:

· Houston plus 1.5 over Texas Tech

The Doorman lists the following predictions on certain games of interest according to his Guy:

· Alabama by 14.5 over Miami

· Florida by 4 over FAU

· Clemson by 6 over Georgia

· UCLA by 14 over LSU

· N.C. State by 18 over South Florida

· Notre Dame by 14 over Florida State

· Ohio State by 8.5 over Minnesota

· Wisconsin by 7 over Penn State

· Central Florida by 0.5 over Boise State

For historical reference, The Doorman’s road underdog selections from last year went 7-1 while home underdog selections went 11-8.

Like most Florida fans, I am interested in what happens in Tallahassee and usually hoping for a train wreck – the last three years of this clown show have been quite entertaining. Unfortunately, FSU happens to be in a no-lose situation here: If they’re even close to Notre Dame we will have to suffer through a week’s worth of ‘Nole love from a media thirsting for a “Win One for Bobby” story.

If FSU wins? Well, this could be Mike Norvell’s Charley Pell moment. You remember that game in 1982 when Wilber Marshall ate that Salisbury sandwich en route to a 17-9 UF win over Southern Cal? When the game ended, Pell raced off the field with arms flailing, creating an iconic image that still stands as a storied moment in the program’s history.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see Norvell make a huge scene in that brick-facade erector set, perhaps his own Pell-esque victory lap for the cameras and You Tubers to exploit.

‘Til next week’s apology column,