❤️The SEC just means more? Really? Tell that to the Big Ten

It’s a brand new year that will be filled with new hopes and high expectations for all 16 members of the Southeastern Conference. The 2024 season wasn’t exactly a case of the SEC putting its best foot forward. It’s true that expanding to 16 teams made an already tough Southeastern Conference that much tougher. Each team became a cannibal, feasting on other league members. Perhaps we’re not all that far from an era when we’ll see an SEC champ with three or four losses.

In postseason play, the SEC is currently 6-5 with Georgia, Texas and Ole Miss still playing and with a chance to help erase some of the embarrassment of Alabama losing to Michigan and South Carolina going belly up against Illinois. Right now, the SEC isn’t looking nearly as tough as the Big Ten, which should send alarms through the league offices in Birmingham. For the SEC to match its slogan, the league has to mean more than break even in the postseason.

Here is a team-by-team look at all 16 SEC teams and their 2024.

SEC FOOTBALL

Alabama (9-4): It’s never easy to follow a legend. Ask Ron Zook. Ask Will Muschamp. Ask all the coaches who followed Bear Bryant until Nick Saban showed up. In following Nick Saban, Kalen DeBoer has lost four games, the first time that’s happened since 2007, which is also the last time the Crimson Tide failed to win 10 games. It’s going to be a long, lonely winter in Tuscaloosa, and if recruiting and the offseason produce another 4-loss season, Kalen DeBoer better have his next gig lined up.

Words of wisdom for the Bama coach who probably would like to find a cave where he can hide:

"If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed." -- Casey Stengel

Arkansas (7-6): The marriage between head coach Sam Pittman and offensive coordinator Bobby Petrino was good for 459.5 yards and 30 points per game. They made it through the year without a divorce. Now it’s the offseason. Will Bobby hang around for another year or will he do what he’s done a bunch of times in the past, which is to bolt? The grass always seems greener for Bobby Petrino.

Words or wisdom for Bobby Petrino:

“Don't talk about yourself so much ... we'll do that when you leave.” -- Rodney Dangerfield

Auburn (5-7): Confusion reigns on The Plains. Auburn faithful believe the Tigers are still relevant on the national stage and teetering on the verge of making Bama the little brother in the Heart of Dixie. Someone clue them in that Auburn is 28-33 since 2020, the last year the Tigers had a winning season. After dealing with Auburn alums, Hugh Freeze must be asking himself “What the hell was I thinking when I left Liberty?”

Words of wisdom for Hugh Freeze when dealing with Auburn alums:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” -- George Carlin 

FLORIDA (8-5): Billy Napier not only survived the 2024 schedule that was described as the nation’s most brutal, but he won eight games. In doing so he essentially gave the finger to all those pundits who were calling for his head even before the 2024 season began. Billy’s job is secure at least until DJ Lagway declares for the No Fun League after the 2026 season. Billy never seemed outwardly fazed by all the talk that he had one foot out the door, especially after that disastrous 1-2 start, but he has to be inwardly saying “I told you so” to all the naysayers. Can he lead the Gators back to the promised land? That remains to be seen, but one thing for certain is that Napier will be the head coach until DJ Lagway has thrown his last pass as a Florida Gator.

Words of wisdom for the Gator Nation who have a coach for two more years at least:

“I’m the one who’s telling you the way it’s going to be.” -- Chili Palmer 

Georgia (11-2): Good old Kirby Smart really puts the fear of God in his players. They know if they get caught driving DUI or recklessly the punishment will be severe. Trevor Etienne still talks about the two laps he had to run around the practice field every day for a week. Poor baby. Maybe that’s why talented recruits flock to Athens. They’ll play harder for a coach whose connections will get them off the hook for -- how can we phrase this -- their youthful indiscretions.

Words of wisdom for the Georgia faithful who believe they're being picked on by the rest of the SEC:

“When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.” -- Casey Stengel

Kentucky (4-8): Prior to laying a 4-8 egg in 2024, Mark Stoops kept getting offers to coach for big bucks at places where football is actually the most important sport on campus. Always, Stoops said thankee but no thankee and remained at Kentucky. Here is what we can surmise by his willingness to stay at UK: At places like Texas A&M and Miami, two of the places that have been interested in hiring him away from Kentucky, they will fire you if you don’t win big. At Kentucky, the faithful think a trip to Nashville for the Music City Bowl ranks right up there with making the College Football Playoff. Therefore as long as Mark Stoops keeps the Wildcats going to such exotic locales as Birmingham for bowl games, he’s got a job. There are worse things than gainful employment for more than $7 million a year.

Words of wisdom for Mark Stoops who is in a job from which he can't get fired:

“Don’t let the green grass fool you! Don’t let it change your mind.” -- Wilson Pickett

LSU (9-4): Brian Kelly has won 29 games in three years at LSU, two seasons with arguably a quarterback who might be second in talent only to Patrick Mahomes and 2024 with talent that ranks among the top five nationally. How do you lose 11 games in three years with that much talent? Think of it like this: Brian Kelly, who was hired on the pretense that he’s a football savant, has won one fewer national championships than Coach O, who has never been confused with a savant. And just think, LSU is on the hook for $10 million a year for seven more years if they want to buy him out or fire him.

Words of wisdom for the LSU nation that is starting to question the wisdom of Brian Kelly as HBC:

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” -- Albert Einstein

Mississippi State (2-10): For reasons that only someone under the influence can reasonably explain, quality coaches such as Murray Warmath, Darrel Royal, Jackie Sherrill, Dan Mullen and Mike Leach not only did time as the HBC at Mississippi State, but actually won more football games than they lost. Jeff Lebby went 2-10 in his first year in Starkville, which can be seen from 30 miles out thanks to the football stadium. From a distance it looks like the mother ship has landed to take ET home. ET will probably come back to find Elliott before Mississippi State has another successful run. They will dwell among the catfish at the bottom of the SEC pond in perpetuity.

Words of wisdom for the Mississippi State faithful wondering if they'll ever win again:

“Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the view never changes.” -- Lewis Grizzard

Missouri (10-3): The Tigers won 10 games this year, in large part because they played the easiest schedule in the Southeastern Conference. Let’s get real here. Who cares? We’re still trying to figure out how it is that Mizzou is in the SEC. There is nothing SEC about the Tigers, who have far more in common with their cousins in the Big Ten. Columbia is a long way from anything SEC and once you get to a ball game there, the atmosphere feels nothing like an SEC game is about to take place.

Words of wisdom for Mizzou fans who may not feel like they actually belong in the SEC:

“If you don't know where you're going, when you get there you'll be lost.” -- Yogi Berra

Oklahoma (6-7): They don’t keep records of such things, but if they did then the Oklahoma Sooners would have set some sort of record for most injured football players in a college season in 2024. This is why Brent Venables will be back to coach the Sooners in 2025. That he went 6-7 with such a banged up roster is fairly remarkable. It earned Venables a mulligan after posting a second straight losing season. He won’t be given a third even if his 2025 team stages a repeat of 2024 by setting injury records.

Words of wisdom for Brent Venables:

“You fail all the time, but you aren't a failure until you start blaming someone else.” -- Bum Phillips 

Ole Miss (9-3): When the Rebels are right, they might be the best team in the country. The problem is they have enough nights when they are no shows that they blow an ideal chance to win a national championship. Do they show up tomorrow and blow the doors off the Dookies in the Gator Bowl or do they go into a 60-minute coma that has folks asking if Lane Kiffin is nothing more than another Dan Mullen -- a great offensive mind who can’t be bothered by all the details?

Words of wisdom for Lane Kiffin:

“Remember, half the doctors in this country graduated in the bottom half of their class.” -- Al McGuire

South Carolina (9-4): Forget what happened in the Citrus Bowl, which used to be the winter home of the Tennessee Vols. Sure, it’s embarrassing to lose to Illinois, which has Big Ten fans gloating. The Gamecocks, predicted to finish just above Vandy in the SEC, won nine regular season games, finishing on a 6-game streak that included beating three ranked teams. Okay, so it was the Aggies, Mizzou and Climpson. Nobody pays attention to who but they do pay attention to NINE. Yes, Shane Beamer coached a team of absolute nobodys to nine wins.  

Words of wisdom for Gamecock fans who feel they were disrespected:

“It is the team for every guy who has to get out of bed in the morning and go to work for short money on a job he does not like. And it is the team for every woman who looks up ten years later and sees her husband eating dinner in a T-shirt and wonders how the hell she ever let this guy talk her into getting married.” -- Jimmy Breslin 

Tennessee (10-3): One of the major scoops by ESPN during Tennessee’s blowout College Football Playoff loss to Ohio State in frigid Columbus was how those clever Tennessee equipment guys had cut vents in Nico Iamaleava’s jersey and lined them with flannel so he could keep his hands warm. Memo to ESPN: The Green Bay Packers did that for Bart Starr in the famous Ice Bowl, played at Lambeau Field in 1967. Memo to Nico and to his coaches: It takes more than warm hands to beat a well-coached, quality team on the road. The Vols under Josh Heupel are road kill when it comes to playing decent teams away from Knoxville. They need to figure out how to win road games.

Words of wisdom for Josh Heupel trying to find wins on the road:

“They could surrender to us but I wouldn’t count on it.” -- The Sundance Kid

Texas (12-2): Steve Sarkisian has an Alabama scalp under his belt thanks to a 2023 win in Tuscaloosa. That’s all well and good. Now he has to figure out how to beat Georgia. He’s currently 12-2, both losses to the Poodles. Texas faithful should pause their “how tough can this be?” chatter about joining the SEC until they can beat Georgia.

Words of wisdom for Texas faithful:

“As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.” -- Captain Jeffrey Spaulding

Texas A&M (8-5): Mike Elko was hired because the Aggie faithful thought as long as Jimbo Fisher was the head coach, they would lose four or five games every single year. Year one after the $75 million buyout of Jimbo and the Aggies went 8-5. Again. The Aggies have been in the SEC since 2012. Texas, which thinks it is “Big Brother” to the semi-rural Aggies, finished 11-1, made it to Atlanta for the SEC Championship Game, and won its first round College Football Playoff Game. The Aggies have yet to make it to Atlanta despite record spending.

Words of wisdom for the Aggie faithful:

“Money didn’t matter 2 night; it sure didn’t matter yesterday. Just when you think you’ve got more than enough, that’s when it all up and flies away” -- Prince Nelson Rogers

Vanderbilt (7-6): Hope springs eternal in Nashville where the ultimate Southeastern Conference bottom feeder just posted a 7-win season that concluded with a Birmingham Bowl win over Georgia Tech. The Commodores have spent so much time in last place that they could change their name to the Catfish. To put Vandy in its proper perspective, the Commodores have won 373 football games since becoming a charter member of the SEC. By comparison, Boise State, which joined Division I in 1994, has won 368 games. Boise State has never beaten Alabama much less taken down the Crimson Tide when ranked No. 1 nationally. Vandy did that. This year. Vandy! Whodathunkit ?

Words of wisdom for the brie and chardonnay set at Vandy:

“The sun doesn't shine on the same dog’s ass all the time.” -- Jim “Catfish” Hunter